I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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