You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
