do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Randomize
