just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
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I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
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I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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