I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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