is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
