he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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