I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
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he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
