I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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