Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
