No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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