if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
