I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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