Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
