oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
