The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
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