I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
