Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
