Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
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