Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Well I just put wine in my tea
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
