Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
