I just saw a hot homeless man
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
