1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
