Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
At least life still wants to fuck me.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
