I can text with my tongue
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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