My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
