What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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