it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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