I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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