good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
