WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
