I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i was born a porn star she said
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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