The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
