she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I currently don't understand fingers.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
