I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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