The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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