One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
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It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
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He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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