Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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