There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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