Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
