I'm sorry my penis didn't work
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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