my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
