I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
