Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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