She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
