apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Randomize
