I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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