Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
