Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I just want to make out with him forever
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
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