Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
