I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I am spending my child support on dildos
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
