We're facebook friends in real life
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
