I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
