I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
