we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
