According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
