my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
