Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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