but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Randomize
